CP3, D-Will, the Karate Kid and something called ESPN
To start this off, let me just say Chris Paul is off to a phenomenal start to this season. Seriously. He’s been amazing. You don’t even have to be a starry-eyed fanboy or a columnist in something called ESPN (or both if that’s your schtick) to recognize this.
Yep. Looks like Danielson paid attention to Mr. Miyagi over the summer.
Inside sources informed me the conversation at U.S. Olympic team practice in Beijing went something like this:
Chris Paul: “Hey, Deron, can you teach me how to dominate others like you dominate me?”
Deron Williams: “Sure thing. Start by giving my car a little wax-on-wax-off treatment. And my fence needs a fresh paint of coat, too.”
Unfortunately for Paul, Williams didn’t have enough time to teach him the Crane Kick. Maybe in the sequel. My sources do indicate, however, that CP3 still plans on giving D-Will a carefully manicured bonsai plant for Christmas. …..
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Speaking of the star point guards, I’m trying to figure out whether Chris Paul’s publicist at ESPN (a.k.a. columnist Bill Simmons) is more obsessed with Chris Paul or with Jazz fans who — HOW DARE THEY QUESTION ME, THE SPORTS GUY!?! — let him know that they disagree with his complete dismissal of Deron Williams compared to CP3.
Could be a toss-up.
My obsession over Simmons’ obsession over Chris Paul over Deron Williams might come in a close third. (For the record, I’ve never said which player I thought was better, but I do think the comparison between the talents is a legit debate. Not counting when one of the players only has one working leg, of course.)
Moving on, Simmons took another swipe at Williams and Jazz fans in today’s Page 2 column. He first printed this question, which supposedly came from Bradley in Salt Lake City:
“Q: You are a stupid (bleep) sucking (bleep) (bleep) licking dumb (bleep). I’m not dumb. You are. Don’t you ever call me dumb again, you good for nothing (bleep). (Bleep) you! (Bleep)!
– Bradley, Salt Lake City”
Now, having personally been sworn at many times by Bradley before, I know for a fact he never says (bleep) (bleep). He ALWAYS says (bleep bleep) inside of the same parentheses. Big difference. Either this is a typo on Simmons’ part or extra (bleeps) were added to this letter to make Jazz fans sound like tractor drivers. Perhaps both.
Not to go crazy with the facts — in keeping with the tone of a certain columnist — but Bradley’s alleged mailbag contribution was not even a “Q:” Not only that, but that was mild compared to what I often hear driving on I-15.
Anyway, here is how Simmons, who has the gall to call himself “SG” here, responded to Salt Lake City’s Bradley:
“SG: Four sentences, 31 words, seven bleeps. That’s 4.3 words per bleep. Quite possibly a record for this column. Look, I’m sorry Deron Williams isn’t as good as Chris Paul. I really am. You can keep sending me the stats of their head-to-head matchups if it makes you feel better. If you polled every non-Jazz player and non-Hornet and asked them if they’d rather play with Paul or Williams, Paul would win in a landslide. There hasn’t been an NBA argument this dumb since everyone decided before the 1992 Finals that MJ and Clyde Drexler were on the same level and we needed to argue about them. Just stop.”
But not you, CP3. Keep going. Wax on. Wax off. Wax on….