Conspiracy theory: What if (wink, wink) LDS Church owned the Jazz?

I was checking out the entertaining slcdunk.com Jazz fan site yesterday, and laughed how a blog about a typo in the D-News turned into a humorous conspiracy theory. The tongue-in-cheek bottom line was that the LDS Church really runs the Utah Jazz organization.

If this were true – and, hmmmm, maybe there’s an announcement to be made next April 1st? – wouldn’t the franchise’s name have been changed as some have suggested to Salt Lake Saints or to Utah Pioneers or Stripling Warriors or Stormin’ Mormons or the Beamin’ Deacons?

While the theory is not true, of course, there are some funny possibilities. Just imagine….

* – If true, it must have been hard for the church to not pull the trigger on a trade for Joe Smith – or at least Mark Madsen.

* – Remember when LDS Church president Thomas S. Monson walked by and cheerfully interacted with Jazz players and coaches last season during a timeout? Maybe that was just a test run to see how church leaders look in the huddle with the team.

* – Perhaps the church will soon start assigning the national anthem as a church calling. Stay tuned for renditions from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, David Archuletta, Gladys Knight, the Salt Lake City 2nd Ward Primary, Lionel Richie, and everybody who has a branch on the Osmond family tree.

* – If you think 3.2% beer at Jazz games is tame, just wait until it’s replaced with 2% milk and 0% caffeinated Coke products when the Word of Wisdom guidelines are put into place for the refreshment stands.

* – No more signs about how “Utahns love Booze” allowed.

* – Say goodbye to Jazz Dancers, say hello to the BYU Ballroom Dance Team and Cougarettes (please Ute fans, no booing).

* – Jr. Jazz will be folded into Church Basketball program (pads will come with uniforms, don’t worry).

* – Road shows and special musical presentations at halftime.

* – Arena will now be named the EnergySolutions Cultural Hall.

* – Special Jazz (or Beamin’ Deacons) section in the Ensign.

* – Basketball talk won’t just spontaneously happen in Elders Quorum; it’ll be part of the curriculum.

* – Brigham Young statue will be relocated on ESA plaza next to Stockton and Malone.

* – No Sunday home games (oh, wait, that already doesn’t happen).

* – No more facial hair for Jazz players, coaches or employees. Sorry Greg Miller, that includes you. (And your office has been moved to 50 E. North Temple, by the way.)

* – Jerry Sloan will soon be required to give firesides on road trips.