This just in: Not even the Jazz know who they are

Think nobody outside of Utah pays attention to the Jazz? Apparently, we can’t blame ‘em. The Jazz, it seems, don’t even know who they are.

That stunning fact was revealed this week in scandalous piece in “The Onion,” the hard-hitting journalism organization that ranks on the accuracy rating scale somewhere between Bill Simmons, Bill Walton and the National Enquirer.

Here’s the stunning report titled “Majority of Utah Jazz Players Have Never Heard Of Themselves”:

“SALT LAKE CITY—In a USA Today poll of NBA players and fans published Tuesday, four out of five Utah Jazz players admitted to never having heard of their team, their teammates, or themselves.

“Wait, who the hell is that guy?” Utah forward Paul Millsap said while looking at a picture of Jazz forward Paul Millsap.

“I seem to remember the Jazz playing pretty well for the past few seasons, and they always have a bunch more white guys than other teams, but I don’t know any of their names or what they do. Ostertag’s not on the team anymore, is he? Though to be honest, it’s not like I’d know him if I saw him.

“During last night’s game against the Warriors, the Jazz were charged with their 49th consecutive delay of game penalty when no one got up from the bench after coach Jerry Sloan announced the starting lineup.”

That last line was my favorite bit of reporting and, quite frankly, I’m embarrassed I never noticed the Jazz being penalized for that so often. I’ve kinda been waiting for C.J. Miles to ask Coach Sloan, “Really? I’m still a starter?” – not because he isn’t necessarily starter-worthy, but because he seems to end up in the verbal doghouse on occasion.

And, if you haven’t noticed, this not-quite-Pulitzer-Prize-winning report by “The Onion” is a tongue-in-cheek piece. I knew that as soon as a confused Paul Millsap said he wouldn’t know Greg Ostertag if he saw him.

Sorry, but Ostertag is just one of those guys you can’t help – even if you try really hard – but notice. After all, not too many 7-foot-1 dudes have hands made out of bricks, sport Fred Flinstone tattoos and remove their front teeth with their tongue in public.