L.A. columnists rip Utah, Jazz fans
Don’t expect a pair of Los Angeles Times columnists to apply to work for the Chamber of Commerce or Visitors Bureau in Utah anytime soon.
Over the weekend, the Beehive State and its inhabitants incurred the wrath, scorn and mockery of T.J. Simers and Bill Plaschke.
Gee, Utah and Jazz fans, sure hope your feelings of self-worth can take the shots.
In his “Mom can’t help him out of Salt Lake City” column, Simers called the Jazz’s hometown “the most miserable place on Earth.” (Translation: He’s ticked off that his boss wouldn’t let him stay at the Grand America.) OK, really, why? Because … ? Well, he never really told us why he has hate for the state, but he let us know he’s mad his deceased mother couldn’t save him from the nation’s No. 1 porno spot (yes, really, on both accounts) and that Phil Jackson recommends reading an old Zane Grey book called “Why Utahns are Big Meanies and Other Reasons to Hate this Despicable Place.” Or something like that.
Heeding Mr. Jackson’s advice, Simers checked out the novel – the Lakers’ book-of-the-month club leader actually recommended “Riders of the Purple Sage” – and he even turned in a book report that (and kudos to him for pulling this one off) doubled as his column for the day in the L.A. Times (otherwise known as the paper with the weekly magazine that published those white hot Kobe “Jedediah” Bryant pilgrim pictures).
Simers’ report: “I checked out the book, ‘towards the end of the story,’ according to a synopsis, ‘the four main characters realize they can no longer safely stay in Utah.’”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
HIDE THE WOMEN! THE CHILDREN! THE L.A. TIMES COLUMNISTS! It’s unsafe to stay in Utah!
And he wasn’t even talking about side-effects of being in the same state as a bumbling, stumbling Kyrylo Fesenko with the ball in his hands (sort of) en route to the hoop. He did compare Fes to an L.A. Dodgers pitcher, and, silly me, I’d never realized Charlie Haeger was 7-foot-1, 300 pounds.
The ever-clever (and I sincerely mean that) Simers said he’d rather stay in Nebraska for a week than be in Utah with the frustrated porn purchasers and “frightening” residents.
Clearly, this means one thing: He hasn’t read that other Zane Grey book.
Here’s how the column concluded: “Tuesday morning’s departure won’t come soon enough.”
By the way, Simers wrote that line. Not Carlos Boozer.
As for Plaschke’s column, “Treatment of Derek Fisher shows hypocrisy is a family value in Utah,”well it basically condemned all things Beehive State because some Jazz fans chanted:
“Fisher (starts with an “s” and rhymes with ducks), Fisher (what that last one said).”
Plaschke, the celebrity columnist and ESPN personality, took the intellectual inferiors “from this celebrated bastion of family values” (by the way, what’s a bastion celebration like?), anyway, he ripped Utah because “citizens,” sounds juicier and more condemning than riled-up fans, were “ripping a man for leaving town to care for his cancer-stricken daughter.”
He claimed: “From this renowned capital of goodness, we bring you people preparing for Mother’s Day by ripping a guy for trying to be a father.”
Couldn’t have just been that they were booing a former Jazz player who left to go to the hated Lakers and who always seems to shoot well against Utah – something he certainly didn’t do while playing for Utah aside from that one memorable moment, now could it?
And I’m sure most Utahns’ Mother’s Day preparation lists looked like the following:
1. Buy mom flowers.
2. Write nice things about why I love mom in a Hallmark.
3. Get BBQ stuff ready.
4. Rip on a guy who’s trying to be a good father and, while at it, taunt him because he wanted to find the best medical care for his daughter.
Yeah, that’s the list, all right.
The spewing anger, Plaschke continued, wasn’t a novelty. “They haven’t liked Fisher here since he left the Jazz after one season in 2007, granted his release to better care for his young daughter suffering from eye cancer, arousing suspicion that he simply wanted to return to the Lakers.
“What was new was the constant sound of their hate, the insistence of their boos, the orchestration of the first-half chant, the desperation of a grudge that had pushed them to the brink in Game 3 of the Western Conference semifinals.
“Also new was the fact that, finally, Derek Fisher shut their yappers.”
Plaschke continued: “Ironically, Sunday (was) the third anniversary of one of the most emotional moments Utah Jazz franchise history.
“It was when Derek Fisher, after spending the day holding Tatum’s hand during cancer treatment, showed up in the third quarter of a playoff game against the Golden State Warriors and led the Jazz to a victory.
“Fans here have apparently forgotten that moment. They won’t forget this one.”
Clearly, this means one thing: Plaschke missed the Loathe Boat.
Fisher’s 20-point outing didn’t make Jazz fans turn their volume down. They simply became distracted and muted because they were reading Zane Grey. Duh.